Bullet

As it ricocheted from the walls, a searing pain pierced through the depths of my body, and even extending to my soul. I tried to breathe, but it was beyond hard. I tried to uttered words, but I became voiceless. I tried to hold on but life was slowly escaping my body. This was not the way of dying I ever imagined and dreamed.

Tears started to flow from my eyes. I looked on the ceiling of my room, reminiscing all my broken dreams. I was only at my late teens, I still had a bucket-list to fulfill. I still wanted to explore the world, visit different countries and take pictures. I still wanted to have a degree and a high-paying job. I still wanted to get myself a man and have a sunrise wedding. I still wanted to have my own children. I wanna die old lying beside the man I loved.

But given the circumstances, maybe my dreams will forever be dreams. I continued to cry silently. I clutched my chest and felt my bleeding heart beating so slow. “I need more heartbeats, please”, I tried to say, fooling myself that it would hear my voiceless thought.

I tried to search for the bullet, I tried to remove it, but it was deeply penetrated. This was my own bullet, my own armor and protection. But little did I know, that it would betray me too. And that it would be the death of me.

I pulled the gun, to kill them. And protect myself but the other thing happened. It bounced back from the high walls that I built long time ago. The walls were so strong.They are made out of the trust issues and fear I have, something couldn’t be bought by money but could only be acquired through trials and afflictions.

The bullet was made out of the left love I have for myself. I thought love conquers all, but no. Or maybe, some other kinds. I tried to shot depression, loneliness, anxiety and gruesome memories. But the love I have, just like myself, was not enough. It only brought me disaster. It only brought me death.

Or wad it still love? Was there really left love? Or maybe, I’ve just mistaken brokenness, bitterness and longing for love? I didn’t know. And I wished, I know the answer.

I tried to keep still. But trying to be strong and alive just drained me more. With one last cry, everything went black.